Becoming a Man of Integrity: Loving God More Than Anything or Anyone Else

Personal Lesson #2 from the movie Fireproof

Well, I promised a continuation of this series, so here goes. I apologize in advance if I'm too open or too honest in this post, I really don't know how to write unless I write what's in my heart. I won't be graphic about anything, just honest. Some of you may learn things about me that you didn't know before...other's already know a lot about the things I struggle with. Regardless, I hope you will choose to look beyond the things I struggle with and continue to see the person who continues to want to be your friend but who must first be the kind of man God is calling him to be regardless of the consequences. With that said, let me share with you the second lesson I learned from watching the movie Fireproof.

One of the things the movie deals with is the issue of addiction to pornography. It's done in a very tasteful and non-graphic way, but also a very powerful way at the same time. This is a topic that Christians all too often try to pretend doesn't exist; or at least that it is never a struggle for a Christian...or at least, not someone in their church, etc. It's one of those things that's difficult to talk about or deal with so we simply ignore it and hope that it will go away. The problem with that is, we have created a church environment where people who do struggle with these kinds of issues simply can't get any help because they assume since no one talks about it no one struggles with it except them and therefore it's something that no help is available for. Honestly, I don't know what the answer is for dealing with this more effectively in the church...but I do know what happens when you feel like the church can't help you.

The devil probably has no greater weapon with which to fight people than discouragement, and there's nothing that makes a person feel more discouraged than to believe that they are the only person around struggling with a particular issue and that the church either can't help them or isn't interested in helping them. One of the reasons I choose several years ago to start speaking out publicly about some of my own struggles is because I finally realized that I wasn't the only person out there who struggled and that other people need just what I needed when I thought I was struggling alone: someone to tell them they aren't alone. It's amazing what just that can do for a person. When discouragement is added to a feeling of isolation and aloneness, it's easy to give up and just let despair overwhelm you. I figured if my being open and talking about struggles in my life that I'd just as soon most people never knew about would help someone else find a way to conquer their own struggles and find victory, then it would be worth any personal shame or pain I had to endure in the process. I've second-guessed that decision a million times, just as I'll second-guess this post a million times as soon as I've posted it. Right or wrong, I only share these struggles with the hope that someone else out there facing similar battles in their own life will feel a little less alone and will realize if there's hope for me then there is hope for them also. If it weren't for that single goal, I'd be just as happy to never openly talk about my struggles again.

Anyone who knew me as a child or through my teen years, or even into my twenties, knows that I was painfully shy; often to the point where it was difficult for me to function in any kind of a normal way around people. If you talked to the people I graduated High School with, they could all tell you that I rarely said anything except in response to a question or comment by someone else directed to me. I just never initiated much of anything in the way of conversation or interaction with anyone. The reason was, I felt so insignificant and worthless that I just assumed no one wanted to hear from me and that most people would be relieved if I would just disappear. I spent a good deal of my childhood and youth wishing I could do just that: disappear. I felt like if ever there was a person born who didn't deserve to be on the planet or who God couldn't possibly love, it had to be me. I could always find a way for God to love everyone else, but I never could find a way that God could possibly love me. There are many factors that played into it, but the bottom line is, the devil told me a lie about myself and I choose to believe that lie. So I was, quite honestly, in my late twenties before I ever started to truly realize that God might really love me after all.

Oh, I heard all my life that God loved me and I even tried to believe it; but I never really did. It's not that I didn't want to be a Christian or even try to be a Christian many times; I just couldn't quite get beyond feeling like God didn't love me. More often than not, I believed that God, in fact, hated me and that so much of the struggle in my life that I couldn't seem to find a reason for must be God's punishment directed at me because He did hate me so much. Now, I realize that this is going to sound over the top to many of you...particularly those who know I was raised in church and in a good Christian home...but in a very real sense, perception is reality for a person, and my perception for a good part of my life was that God hated me and that was that.

You see, along with hearing that God loved everyone, I also "heard" that God hated people who were "gay." You will notice I put the word heard in quotes; that is because I don't know that I ever really heard someone say those words verbally, I just grew up believing that is how everyone felt and that it was true. The problem was, no matter how hard I tried to deny it or get away from it, I kept struggling with same-sex attractions. It wasn't something I consciously cultivated or wanted in my life, it was just there. I couldn't remember a time it wasn't there and I assumed there would never be a time it went away. And with that struggle, I assumed God hated me and had abandoned me. Another thing I "heard" whether it was said or not, was that being "gay" meant that you had so displeased God that He had given up on you and there was no hope for you. After awhile, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable to me at the time: I hated God back. From my perspective, I didn't choose to have these feelings and yet I had them and if that meant God hated me, why would I not hate Him in return? What kind of God would give me feelings like this and then hate me for it without my having ever chosen to feel this way? I now know that God didn't hate me at all...that it was just the devil telling me all these things; the devil who brought all these false ideas into my head causing me to think I was "gay" and that I was therefore hopeless and hated by God, etc. But it took me many years to reach that understanding about God and, in the meantime, I developed many wrong ideas about God and the church and many bad habits and actions and attitudes that I'm still struggling to overcome in many ways.

I guess that's why the song I mentioned in my last post meant so much to me. I often feel frustrated with the slowness of the recovery process and begin to feel anxious and upset that things aren't turning out the way I had hoped. Sometimes it seems that all I do is wait and wait and wait some more and see so little in the way of results. But I know that the answer isn't found in giving up. If I have to wait the rest of my life here on earth and never see any big changes in how I feel or where the circumstances of my life find me, then I will learn to wait...and I will learn to worship and serve and praise God while I wait; whether I feel like it or not!

Sorry for such a long bit of background, but I feel like it's important to who I am and the goals I'm trying to set for my future. Forgive me if any of it was unnecessary or laborious.

Needless to say, all of those wrong beliefs I had for so many years led me to incorporate a lot of other wrong things into my life. I do not make excuses for any of these things because I am well aware that I actively chose to do many things that caused all of my struggles to be much worse and, therefore, much more difficult to break free from than they should have been. It is these things that I must defeat in my life in order to become a man of integrity and, with God's help, I mean to destroy every one of them no matter how long it takes or how drastic the measure God's asks me to take in order to accomplish their defeat.

In Fireproof there is a scene where Caleb is struggling with whether to give in once again to his pornography addiction and he asks a question something along the lines of "why does this all have to be so hard?" Then, in a somewhat humorous scene, we find Caleb busting his computer and monitor to bits with a baseball bat. What that said to me was, you need to take whatever action, no matter how drastic it may seem to yourself or to others, in order to cut out of your life any and everything that could cause you to fall back into sin. This doesn't usually mean you have to destroy your computer, etc...but if it does mean that and God does ask that of me, I want to make sure I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Even though it seems like I couldn't live without a computer at this point in my life, I'm guessing I probably could if I absolutely had to.

What it does mean for me at this point is making sure I have strong accountability in any and all areas of weakness. That I don't try to pretend I'm strong enough to make it on my own all the time and that I do whatever I have to do to ensure my spiritual success. It means I currently use a program called Covenant Eyes on my computer and that I have three accountability partners (with plans to add one or two more at least) who can view all of my online activity at any time they choose. It also means that I'm in the process of evaluating everything I read, listen to or watch...and I'm asking God to show me what needs to change. At this point, I don't even know what all God may ask of me in these areas and, frankly, it scares me somewhat because I wonder how drastic God may ask me to be in certain areas of my life. But I've decided that I have to do whatever God asks. Maybe it will seem drastic to me in some cases now, but I have a feeling it won't seem that drastic at all when I make it to eternity and look back and see things from a different point of view.

In Fireproof, after Caleb destroys his computer, there is a scene in which you see a vase full of roses sitting on the table where the computer used to sit and a note to his wife that reads: "I love you more." For me, that is the point of those long, rambling post. Maybe it doesn't even make much sense...I don't know. I do know that however feeble, it has been my attempt to leave a note for God that says "I love you more." I want to say here and now that I will be a man of integrity in every aspect of my life...whatever it takes. And I will love God more than anything or anyone else, no matter what. My thanks to all of you out there who pray for me. I ask only that you will continue to pray and never let me forget my note to God.

Next in this series: Being a Man of Godly Influence

Until next time...

-Steven