Serving While Waiting

Personal Lesson #1 from the movie Fireproof

As my facebook friends know, I watched the movie Fireproof last night and loved it. I have to confess, though I figured I would like it in general, I wasn't sure it would have much application to my life personally since it has been advertised so heavily as a "marriage" movie and I'm not, nor have I ever been, married. As it turns out, it's so much more than that. I think just about anyone could watch this movie and find personal application regardless of whether you're married or single, have a "perfect" marriage or feel stuck in a marriage you wish you could get out of. I can't think of enough good things to say about this movie. It has the potential to be life-changing on so many levels and I came away from watching it with a strong desire to make changes in my own life. Since I can't possibly cover everything that's been running through my mind since seeing the movie in a single post, I'm planning to do a series of posts about the personal lessons I learned from the movie and how I'm going to take those lesson and actively allow them to change my life in the areas where it needs to change.

Faith = Serving While Waiting
The first lesson for me involves a new understanding of what faith really is. Faith is one of those terms that seem to have endless definitions but until you find one that is personal and makes sense to you it is likely that you will find faith to be a concept more than a reality in your life. For too long I've allowed faith to be a concept but struggled to appropriate it for myself in a way that makes my life different. Mid-way through the movie there is a series of scenes set to a song by John Waller called While I'm Waiting. For me, that was one of the most powerful points in the movie. For the first time in a long time I realized that one of the reasons my Christian journey can be described as mediocre at best is because I've never really lived a life of such total surrender and obedience to God that I choose to serve Him and do the right thing no matter what. It's time for that to change.

"While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait"
(from the song While I'm Waiting by John Waller; you can watch a music video of the song here: While I'm Waiting)

To one degree or another, I've nearly always wanted to live right and be the kind of person I thought God wanted me to be, but I seem to have made a life for myself that is better characterized by doubt and hesitation than it is by faith and unfailing obedience. Instead of serving while I'm waiting, I've all too often been waiting to serve. It's not that I've meant necessarily to be unfaithful or less than committed in my relationship with God, but I've allowed way too many things to come between myself and God and hinder me from walking in complete faith and surrender to God in every area of my life.

You see, there are things about my life that I don't particularly like. Struggles I've been given that I never chose for myself and wished a million times over I never had. I can't count the number of times I've found myself wondering "Why couldn't my life just have been normal? Why couldn't I be more like other guys I know? Why did God allow ME to struggle with THIS?!?" Sometimes I feel like I'd give just about anything if I could have just had a "normal" life. Why am I 36 and single when almost everyone I know has been married for years by the time they reach my age? Why am I still struggling to begin to figure out how to live life with God as He intended for me too when so many others seem to have figured this out years ago? Why couldn't I have just had "normal" struggles, grown up to be a normal guy who got married, had kids, found a place to serve in my local church and learned twenty years ago to live a life surrendered to God without any hesitation in my walk?

As one might imagine, there's a lot wrapped up into why none of those things happened, but the hesitation in my step and failure to trust God unconditionally can only be chalked up to my own unbelief. Somewhere along the line I bought into the line that it would be easier to surrender "tomorrow;" to trust God next week, next year, after I graduated from High School, College...as an adult... At every stage I found there was always another barrier to keep me from total surrender and complete faith. Oh, there were times when I thought I had gotten to that place; times when I did the best I knew how to serve God and walk in faith, but I always allowed the doubts to crowd out my faith eventually until I found myself once again taking more steps backward than forward.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe faith is the absence of doubt. What I do believe is that faith is choosing to serve God and be obedient in spite of the doubt! That's where I've failed more often than I've succeeded. For too long I've tried to wrap my lack of obedience in all sorts of attractive (to me) wrapping and tied it all up with a pretty bow, believing that all my excuses and all my "putting off till tomorrow instead of getting serious about it today" attitudes were just fine...it didn't matter that much because, after all, I meant well and isn't that all that matters to God? Now I'm beginning to realize that I am where I am in life not because of the struggles I've had in life or because God has expected too much of me or been unfair to me by not allowing me to be "normal" in all the ways I long to be normal but because I simply haven't been willing to serve while I wait.

I figured, after all I've been through in the struggles I've faced God owes me something. So when that relationship with someone I wanted to turn out a certain way ends up not developing at all or develops in a way that's totally different than what I imaged or wanted it to be, I've been quick to blame God instead of surrendering to Him. I come up with all these grand ideas about my life and how things would be so much better "if only." The problem is, those "if onlys" rarely happen the way I would like them to. I find myself trying to cut deals with God: "Surely You can see that choice B is better than choice C, right God?" All the while He is patiently waiting for me to finally realize that He has a plan "A" that is so much better than any of the choices I've created for myself. It's time for me to give up all the plans I have and start letting God work out His plan in my life; whether I understand that plan or not.

Waiting is painful. We live in an age where everything is moving fast and nearly anything we can want or imagine is available to us almost instantly and when it's not we think something is seriously wrong. So when God fails to jump into my life, look at the map I've drawn up for Him about how my life should work from now on and instantly make everything right in my life I find myself wondering if He cares at all. For too long I've been living a life monopolized by my expectations of God instead of asking what His expectations are of me. It's time for that to change.

Do I expect that tomorrow I'll find my struggle with doubt to just evaporate because I watched a good movie and heard a good song that spoke to my heart? No. Most likely things will be tougher than ever because the devil will read this blog too and he'll make sure that the road ahead isn't easy. But it's time for me to believe that God reads my heart and that He has a better way for me, whether I see it or not. It's time for me to serve while I wait. And if I wait and wait and wait and nothing seems to change, just keep serving and worshiping; choosing to be obedient whether I feel like it or not. To all who read this, I ask for your prayers that this will be the start of a new life of faith for me and not just a blog post I write and then forget a soon as I wake up tomorrow.

Next in this series of posts: Becoming a Man of Integrity: Loving God More Than Anything or Anyone Else

Until next time...

-Steven