Adopted Son, Waiting to go Home

Romans 8:23, 24a - And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved…

It seems like I waited forever to finally be adopted. All my life, I had heard that such a thing was possible and that, if I could just believe, it could be a reality for me. It certainly wasn’t Father’s fault that I wasn’t received into His family sooner. He was waiting patiently nearby, always calling my name; ready - even anxious - to claim me as His own. But I was too busy feeling unworthy.

 

There were years when I didn’t want to believe; years when I wanted to believe but felt like I couldn’t; and years when I wasn’t even sure whether there was anything worth believing in. But the day finally came when I was able, by God’s grace, to see through the fog of my own self-doubt and make my way toward the voice of my Father. He graciously adopted me into His family, made me one of His own sons, and gave me the peace that only comes from knowing that there is a better life on the way.

 

However, as an adopted son, I now find myself in a time of waiting. It’s an eager waiting, but also a weary waiting at times. Just like a child - to whom a minute or two can seem like forever when they are looking forward to arriving at that exciting moment which has been promised if they can “wait just a few more minutes” - I often find myself wondering just how long it will be until Father appears on the horizon to actually gather me to Himself and take me home.

 

Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I want my present life to end in some sudden and sorrowful way; it’s just that I find myself often confused and perplexed regarding the present state of the world in which I currently reside. Often in pain of soul and mind, I find myself crying out to God for that “perseverance” to “wait eagerly” (Rom. 8:25) for the “redemption of … body” that awaits in my new home. A redeemed body seems so far away most days as I struggle through the morass of feelings, attractions, and desires that are never far from the surface of my daily living.

 

Yes, in part, I am referring to the same-sex attractions that have been a part of my life from some of the earliest days of my memory, but it’s more than that. In many ways, my struggle is not so unlike your struggle. It seems we are all painfully insecure in some area, at some time in our lives; and most of us continue to battle various forms of insecurity throughout our lives. Thankfully, God gives each of us varying degrees of victory over these insecurities, but as long as we remain in a fallen and insecure world, certain fears and insecurities remain.

 

For me, loneliness and the need to feel loved have always been at the top of my list. Not because I’ve not been loved, but because something within me failed to receive the love that has surrounded me all my life. God's love, the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of those who would have been friends if only I could have been in a place to receive their friendship at the time. But something inside me chose to close myself off to love.

 

In recent weeks, God has been helping me make great strides in the area of surrendering myself to His love and learning how to receive it more fully with each new day. At the same time, I’m beginning to realize just how much hard work lies ahead for me as I strive to open myself up not only to God’s continuing love in my life, but also to the love of others around me. Fear and self-doubt is still very much a part of any effort on my part to allow my heart to open up to those around me and give them a chance to love me; to be my friend, my brother, my sister.

 

You see, for most of my life I’ve allowed the devil to back me into a corner. A corner with messages painted on the walls that said things like “nobody could love you because you’re gay” or “if people only knew the real you, they’d all want you dead,” etc. Though I am now in a place where I can see such messages as lies, it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly victorious over every intricate rephrasing of these messages. Many times I still find myself fighting against messages like “you can’t speak up, no one wants to hear what you have to say” or “you make people uncomfortable by even being around since they all know about the things you struggle with” or “most people only talk to you to be polite; they don’t really want to, and would never want to be your friend.”

 

I’ve hesitated for some time to write this particular post because I know how easily it could come across as only being self-serving and indulging in self-pity. Perhaps there is some of that. I certainly don’t have the confidence to say with authority that those motives are non-existent. But the primary reason I decided to go ahead with it is because I suspect there are others out there who can relate in some way. It is to that person that I write these things. I want you to know that you’re not alone. So many of us have felt the pain of rejection; of a neediness so deep it can never be met by another imperfect human such as we are. There are days, sometimes whole weeks, when the devil fights me continuously with the feeling that I am, and always will be, unloved because I am inherently unlovable.

 

To those who read this and know that feeling too, I can only point you to Jesus. Jesus loves you and me simply because He is love. It’s not about whether we are lovable or not. Jesus loves us. Perhaps there will always be those people in our lives who never seem to recognize just how much we could benefit from their love, but Jesus knows exactly what we need and how to love us with perfect love. A love that will meet our needs beyond even our wildest imaginings. We may never find the level of fulfillment our hearts long for in relationship with other people in this life, but Jesus will always be there to carry us through until the day it’s time to go home. And when we get home, we will find it a place of perfect love and relationship with God and others forever.

 

I thank God that I’ve been adopted. And I pledge myself to loving God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength; and loving my neighbor in the way that I myself long to be loved, feeble as my human efforts are. I am a son and you are my brothers and sisters and, together, we are a family on our way home.

Politics and Revival

I typically try to avoid speaking my mind too openly on my blog, facebook, etc, when it comes to politics. Not because I don't have strong political opinions (just ask my family about some of our Friday night discussions!) but because I have always felt that it's more important to love people than to express my political leanings. This is not to say that I have a problem with you if you are one who enjoys speaking their mind openly about politics. I am simply saying that, for myself, I want to be careful that I keep myself in a position to minister the love of Christ to people regardless of their politics and not alienate people based on something as temporary and fleeting as politics. Again, I don't wish to appear "holier-than-thou" or come across as though I'm in any way looking down on those who choose to be more open about their political beliefs. If you read this post and go away feeling like I've just been judgmental and unkind, then you've missed the point entirely and I encourage to go back and read it again. With that disclaimer, I approach the topic of politics and revival.

Even though I do not have a problem with people expressing their political beliefs openly, I do have to say that I am often grieved and deeply concerned by some of the trends I see out there. It seems that most Christians today have bought into the "American Dream" and our "right" to pursue liberty, happiness, etc, to the point where we come across as if we hold the Constitution of the United States in higher regard than anything else, including the Bible. Don't get me wrong. I am often grieved and frustrated by the things that are happening in this country that I love and call my home. But as a Christian, I am primarily called to follow Christ and witness His love to others. No matter how much I may be frustrated by government or the loss of freedoms, none of those things will matter at all on Judgment Day. What will matter is, will I be able to stand before God with the knowledge that all is well with my soul and will I be able to honestly say I've done my best to share His love with as many other people as I could along the way.

I fear that we American Christians have bought into the "American Dream" so deeply that we forget that this world is a broken and fallen place that is but a fleeting vapor that we pass through in our rapid advance toward eternity. I know many Christians find themselves frustrated and alarmed with the SCOTUS ruling today. I understand that. What I don't understand is the levels of despair that I've seen in some places. How can a child of God find themselves in despair over politics when the Bible clearly teaches us that Christ is supreme over all things, including all world leaders, all politics, all freedoms people enjoy or don't have opportunity to enjoy in this world, and all events that shape the world we live in. Further the Bible teaches that, as children of God, Christ is actively engaged in making ALL things work together for our GOOD. This includes political decisions; the ones we like and the ones we don't.

Further, I have seen the idea put forth that things are growing so desperate and dark in America that surely God must have to return soon to claim His bride because it can't get much worse and God still be able to put up with it. Where does that idea come from? Do we read the Bible? How much evil has been perpetrated upon people throughout history and still God waits, giving men extended opportunity to repent and be saved. I don't presume to know the motives of people who say these kinds of things, but it seems to come across (whether intentionally or not) that we American Christians think we are so special to God that surely He cannot abide seeing our freedoms taken away from us and not come in His final judgment upon those who would presume to strip these freedoms away. This is the primary reason I say it seems as though we have bought entirely too much stock in our "right" to pursue the "American Dream." If God did not see fit to come in final judgment against those who devastated His chosen people in the Holocaust (among many other times throughout history), how is it that we can reasonably espouse the idea that God MUST come and avenge us? And sooner rather than later?

Don't misunderstand. I believe we should be always looking for and praying for the soon return of Christ. But are we looking for and praying for it in the right spirit and for the right reasons? Or have we really allowed pride and arrogance to so invade our thinking that we actually believe that God's final judgment is to avenge the wrongs done to us? God's final judgment will be to avenge Himself and the crimes that every single one of us has committed against Him! In His mercy, He has chosen to provide a way of escape from the penalty of that judgment by pouring out His wrath on His own Son and making salvation available to all who will repent and turn to Him. But none of us deserves that mercy. No matter how much we may have been lulled into the belief that we deserve our freedoms and don't deserve to have them take away from us, it's not true. As sinners, we don't deserve any good thing; only eternal damnation. So it bothers me that we can get so exercised about every little change thrust upon us in the political arena but seem nearly incapable of showing even a small portion of that kind of outrage toward sin and the lives that are being destroyed all around us by sin! Even if we were to lose every freedom we hold dear in this life, we cannot afford to let our focus drift from the all-encompassing supremacy of Christ and His Lordship over ALL things no matter how out of control or disorder they may seem from our very limited point of view.

And finally, I come to revival. There seems to be an increasing interest in revival within the Church in recent days and I pray that God will once again hear the cries of His people and send revival to our land so that many souls will be set free from bondage and come to know the inexpressible beauty of Christ and His love. But I fear that if we are not careful, we will end up sacrificing revival on the altar of the "American Dream" and fail to see God work among us because we are more interested in holding on to our political freedoms than we are in anything else. Again, please don't misunderstand. We should fight for religious freedom in every way we can, but we need to balance that with the recognition that one of the biggest reasons America has drifted so far away from God is precisely because of the freedoms that we have enjoyed for so long. We've gotten lazy and arrogant; believing that it's all about our right to feel happy and fulfilled in this life. Revival may not come until freedom is stripped away and people are forced to face the harsh realities of life without those freedoms. My question is: are we as Christians willing to endure hardship and pain for the sake of seeing the lost saved? Or does our desire for revival end where our desire to pursue the "American Dream" begins?

Reflections on Psalm 103:1-4

In church last night our pastor read through Psalm 103, pausing at various points to allow people to testify to God’s grace and help in their life as it related to a particular selection. I sat quietly and just listened to others. Not because there was nothing I could have said, but because I am still working through some issues that I feel need some degree of resolution before I’ll find myself at a point where I’m confident enough that I can speak up at church and know that I am speaking because God wants me to speak and not simply to be heard for my own, self-centered, reasons. It’s true that I’m also painfully shy and that also plays a role in my hesitancy to speak up. Perhaps it is even true that my shyness, more than anything else, keeps me silent. If that is the case, then I trust God will help me to overcome that when there is something He wants me to say.

In the meantime, the following are some of my thoughts as they relate to the first four verses of Psalm 103. (I’ve used the New American Standard Bible for scripture passages as it tends to be the version I read most often).

¹Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

As a starting point, I want to thank God for all of the help He has given me over the past couple of weeks. I've had some struggles, but God has helped me begin to recognize the deeper areas that are at the root of some of these surface issues I find myself struggling with. I thank God for that. In the past there have been times when I never was able to get my focus off the surface issues long enough to let God show me the deeper areas of need that require the bulk of the remedy God desires to provide. As I am learning to allow Him to refocus my attention on the things that matter most, I'm finding it easier and easier to let some of the surface struggles go. They just don't seem that important anymore. So, I do bless His holy name for patiently teaching me, moment by moment, the lessons I most need to learn.

²Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits.

To say I'm amazed at the benefits God has showered on my life, would be an understatement. These past two weeks have been two of the most amazing weeks of my life as I learn how to rest in God's love and allow Him to work out the details of all the issues that have so long overwhelmed me. There is no doubt that I have many lessons to learn and many long roads ahead to traverse yet. But learning to rest in the love of God seems to be 99% of the battle in most things and I'm thankful for the benefit of knowing God is always present in every situation to provide the help and grace I need.

³Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases;

I don't think there can be any greater peace in this life than the peace that comes from knowing that all your sins have been forgiven. "My sin, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more." I don't have to live in fear that there is some sin somewhere that somehow got overlooked. God has taken the whole sordid lot of them and forgiven them; not because I deserve that forgiveness, but because of His great love and mercy. And even beyond forgiveness, God has already begun the work of healing so many of the diseased areas of my mind and emotions. For many years I've believed a great number of lies regarding who I am and who God is. Already God is teaching me many things about being the man He created me to be and I am trusting Him to continue to do the work that needs done in my life as I walk with Him daily.

⁴Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;

Verse 4 is probably the verse that spoke most to me as I read through this Psalm. When I look at my past and see how God has protected me from sure destruction (the KJV actually uses the word "destruction" instead of "pit"), I'm overwhelmed by His love and compassion. There have been many times when I could have become involved in situations that could have destroyed my life in so many ways; yet God, in His mercy, held me back. At times I tried my best to jump into things that I knew were sin and far from God's plan for my life. Even during my most stubborn and rebellious times, God was working to keep me from a lifestyle that would have led to certain destruction and landed me in a pit from which I might never have escaped. I believe the prayers of family and friends can be credited with the sense of hesitancy that held me back from many of the things I could have become involved in. So, thank you to all who have prayed for me over the years.

Someday, perhaps, I will write more in depth on some of these things (or even on subsequent verses from Psalm 103) but, for now, it is enough to say that God's mercy and love have changed and are continually changing my life. My mind was so messed up before I came back to God that I honestly thought it could never be made right again. But God has worked a miracle and changed so much for me already. I understand that the renewing of my mind will be a continuing process, but God seems to have stepped in and worked in such a way as to reverse years of wrong thinking in ways that I would never have dreamed possible in such a short period of time. I'm praising Him for His indescribable goodness and looking forward to each new day of walking in His love.

Unredeemed

Lyrics from the song, Unredeemed

 

The cruelest word

The coldest heart

The deepest wound

The endless dark

For more years than I care to number, I lived in a very dark world. Weeks, months, even years where the darkness of depression inside of me was so great it actually seemed that everything around me was viewed only through a haze of darkness. Many years ago now, I even got to the place where I found myself thinking about suicide nearly around the clock. There was hardly a waking moment where I wasn’t thinking about how hopeless things were and how ending my life was the only way out.

Thankfully, God chose just the right moment to send a friend into my life who gave me a chance to consider the idea that other options might be available after all. For the first time in my life I was able to open up to another person about who I really was. About growing up a lonely little boy who was afraid of nearly everything. About coming of age and realizing I wasn’t attracted to girls like every boy is supposed to be at that age. And about all the years I lived in fear of what would happen if anyone ever found out about my misplaced attraction.

The lonely ache

The burning tears

The bitter nights

The wasted years

Realizing that I was attracted to other boys instead of girls, was one of the most difficult times of my life. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel the way I was feeling, but I also knew that I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to feel that way. As I looked back, I could find the beginnings of my same-sex attractions going back to my earliest memories of childhood; I just didn’t know what to call it then, nor did I realize the full implications of it until my early teen years.

During the period of years after coming to terms with the fact that I had same-sex attractions I went through some of the loneliest times I’ve ever experienced. A loneliness so deep that it really felt like it was crushing me from the inside out. Night after bitter night I would cry until there were no tears left to cry and wonder why God hated me so much that He decided to make me “gay.” I tried and tried to come up with a reason for why God had written me off and given me, what I considered at the time, the worst possible situation to have to deal with in life.

As I moved into my twenties and later my thirties, the bitter nights of sorrow began to include a bitter anger; anger toward God and anger toward others. I figured God deserved my anger because He could have prevented every hurt. Anger toward others because of my belief that they would hate me if they knew I was gay. During those years of my life, I couldn’t see the folly of being angry with others for their hatred toward me when I hadn’t even given them a chance to know who I was and make a decision to love or hate me for it. I just believed everyone would hate me if they knew, so my reality at the time was that I was hated by God and by everyone else.

I wasted a lot of years believing these lies about God, about myself (that I was unlovable and only deserved damnation), and about other people. I lost myself in self-pity and sinful behavior and refused to allow God to speak any truth into my life. Oh, there were times when I tried to make a move toward God, even times where I know He helped me with certain issues in my life. But I never really settled things with God or chose to accept His truth about His love for me for the long haul. In a short time I’d be right back to believing all the same lies I’d always believed about how much God must hate me and how much everyone would hate me if they only knew the real me.

For every choice that led to shame

There have been a lot of choices I've made over the years that led to deep shame and feelings of worthlessness. Choices I would give anything today to be able to go back and make over again so I could do things differently the second time around.

And all the love that never came

This is perhaps the hardest line of all for me. One of the most difficult issues for me to deal with is the idea of lost love. The loss of the love a boy has for another boy as his peer, his buddy, his friend. In his book, My Losing Season, Pat Conroy says "there is little on earth so fierce and inarticulate and life-changing as the love of boys for other boys." I've read that quote a million times and wished I had even the slightest idea of what it means. I have no clue what it’s like to relate to boys through every stage of my life growing up. Boys scared me. I was meek, mild, shy, and too timid to speak up about anything most of the time. Other boys were rough, outspoken, and (so it seemed to me) not afraid of anything. Here I was, afraid of almost everything and the only thing I knew from watching other boys was that boys aren’t supposed to be afraid. It wasn’t difficult for me to see how different I was from other boys. So I sat on the sidelines and watched from a distance. I watched the other boys play ball, wrestle around, and do all the things boys do, but I never felt a part of any of it. Even on the few occasions when I tried to enter into the activities of other boys in some way, I always left the experience feeling even more certain that I was nothing like other boys and never would be. So I feel like I’ve lost a great deal by having lost the kind of love that boys have for other boys as they grow together into manhood. That’s a love that is irreplaceable for me at this point. I’m nearing 40. I can’t go back and relive boyhood and experience all those things I missed out on the first time around. So I sorrow over the loss of that particular kind of love.

There’s also the love a man has for his wife. Another love that most likely will never be one I experience. Some days I’m okay with that. But I would be dishonest if I didn’t say there weren’t days where I feel the deep sorrow of something else missing and lacking from my life that others have opportunity to enjoy.

For every vow that someone broke

And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall

One of my most difficult lessons (one I’m very much still in the process of learning) is learning to keep my eyes focused on Jesus, off other people, and keep my ears deafened to the whispered lies of the devil. The lie says to give up hope; that I can’t make it; that my cross is too difficult; that I’ve been give too much to handle. And what makes those lies seem so believable at times is that there is an element of truth to them. I do need to give up. Not give up on hope, but give up trying to fix everything myself and learn to rest in God and allow Him to do the work that needs doing. I can’t make it. At least not on my own. I need God every second of every day to survive. My cross is too difficult to bear; on my own. I’ve got to learn to allow God and other believers to help me even though I often feel I don’t deserve help or am too afraid to ask for it. I have been given too much to handle…on my own. When I try to handle it all, I just become increasingly frustrated, angry, and depressed. I have to learn to stop trying to walk this road alone and allow God to come alongside and show me the way as well as allowing other Christian brothers and sisters into my life so that they can walk the way with me too. All of these things are issues where I need to grow and change. Changes that are made difficult because of the shadow of the fall, the humanity of those who would help even if very imperfectly sometimes, and my own slowness at learning the most important lessons of life.

But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is

Soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

 

But the cross! The cross says that grace can enter into each and every one of these areas and make a difference. That amazing things can result in the most broken and shattered of circumstances because of the cross. Yes, there may be things that are always unfulfilled and many things that will never be restored in this life but, because of the cross, we can have assurance of fulfillment and restoration in eternity someday. It’s not always easy to wait; to keep my focus on “someday.” But I do believe that God has promised to restore those things that have been lost in this broken and fallen world. I don’t know how it will happen, but someday I expect to have restored to me the lost loves and experiences that seem lost to me forever right now. The things is, right now is NOT forever and it’s time I stopped believing that it is!

Starting Over

So, it's been a little over three years since I last wrote a post for this blog. I'd apologize but there's no rule that says I have to post more than once every three years. :-)

On a more serious note, I guess my lack of blogging is a reflection of the fact that I've struggled through three very discouraging and difficult years. Much of that is due to my own lack of diligence in holding on to God's truth and walking in faith as I should have. I get discouraged far too easily and find my faith slipping away faster than I can grab on to hope.

I'm not going to make promises, because too often I don't keep them. But I will say that I'm returning to a place where I want to seek God's truth for my life again. I've got a lifetime of lies I've believed about myself (and all too often about God and His love for me) that make such a quest for truth seem overwhelming and often nearly impossible. But I do know that, no matter how long my periods of struggle seem to last at times, I always find myself returning to the reality that if I give up on my pursuit of God, I'm left with nothing.

So, without making specific promises, I'm hoping to start blogging again. For whatever reason, writing out my thoughts and making them available to others for feedback seems to help me sort through the many confusing issues I seem to grapple with all too often. I'll warn you in advance that I'm prone to just say things as I see them and not try to sugarcoat things to make myself look better or make it easier for others to digest. So, if honesty, even at its ugliest and messiest, isn't something you want to see, I'd recommend reading something other than this blog. But if you're not afraid to walk the road with me, even if it's not always pretty, then I welcome you to do so.

Until next time… (and let's hope it isn't another three years). :-)