Romans 8:23, 24a - And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved…
It seems like I waited forever to finally be adopted. All my life, I had heard that such a thing was possible and that, if I could just believe, it could be a reality for me. It certainly wasn’t Father’s fault that I wasn’t received into His family sooner. He was waiting patiently nearby, always calling my name; ready - even anxious - to claim me as His own. But I was too busy feeling unworthy.
There were years when I didn’t want to believe; years when I wanted to believe but felt like I couldn’t; and years when I wasn’t even sure whether there was anything worth believing in. But the day finally came when I was able, by God’s grace, to see through the fog of my own self-doubt and make my way toward the voice of my Father. He graciously adopted me into His family, made me one of His own sons, and gave me the peace that only comes from knowing that there is a better life on the way.
However, as an adopted son, I now find myself in a time of waiting. It’s an eager waiting, but also a weary waiting at times. Just like a child - to whom a minute or two can seem like forever when they are looking forward to arriving at that exciting moment which has been promised if they can “wait just a few more minutes” - I often find myself wondering just how long it will be until Father appears on the horizon to actually gather me to Himself and take me home.
Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I want my present life to end in some sudden and sorrowful way; it’s just that I find myself often confused and perplexed regarding the present state of the world in which I currently reside. Often in pain of soul and mind, I find myself crying out to God for that “perseverance” to “wait eagerly” (Rom. 8:25) for the “redemption of … body” that awaits in my new home. A redeemed body seems so far away most days as I struggle through the morass of feelings, attractions, and desires that are never far from the surface of my daily living.
Yes, in part, I am referring to the same-sex attractions that have been a part of my life from some of the earliest days of my memory, but it’s more than that. In many ways, my struggle is not so unlike your struggle. It seems we are all painfully insecure in some area, at some time in our lives; and most of us continue to battle various forms of insecurity throughout our lives. Thankfully, God gives each of us varying degrees of victory over these insecurities, but as long as we remain in a fallen and insecure world, certain fears and insecurities remain.
For me, loneliness and the need to feel loved have always been at the top of my list. Not because I’ve not been loved, but because something within me failed to receive the love that has surrounded me all my life. God's love, the love of family, the love of friends, and the love of those who would have been friends if only I could have been in a place to receive their friendship at the time. But something inside me chose to close myself off to love.
In recent weeks, God has been helping me make great strides in the area of surrendering myself to His love and learning how to receive it more fully with each new day. At the same time, I’m beginning to realize just how much hard work lies ahead for me as I strive to open myself up not only to God’s continuing love in my life, but also to the love of others around me. Fear and self-doubt is still very much a part of any effort on my part to allow my heart to open up to those around me and give them a chance to love me; to be my friend, my brother, my sister.
You see, for most of my life I’ve allowed the devil to back me into a corner. A corner with messages painted on the walls that said things like “nobody could love you because you’re gay” or “if people only knew the real you, they’d all want you dead,” etc. Though I am now in a place where I can see such messages as lies, it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly victorious over every intricate rephrasing of these messages. Many times I still find myself fighting against messages like “you can’t speak up, no one wants to hear what you have to say” or “you make people uncomfortable by even being around since they all know about the things you struggle with” or “most people only talk to you to be polite; they don’t really want to, and would never want to be your friend.”
I’ve hesitated for some time to write this particular post because I know how easily it could come across as only being self-serving and indulging in self-pity. Perhaps there is some of that. I certainly don’t have the confidence to say with authority that those motives are non-existent. But the primary reason I decided to go ahead with it is because I suspect there are others out there who can relate in some way. It is to that person that I write these things. I want you to know that you’re not alone. So many of us have felt the pain of rejection; of a neediness so deep it can never be met by another imperfect human such as we are. There are days, sometimes whole weeks, when the devil fights me continuously with the feeling that I am, and always will be, unloved because I am inherently unlovable.
To those who read this and know that feeling too, I can only point you to Jesus. Jesus loves you and me simply because He is love. It’s not about whether we are lovable or not. Jesus loves us. Perhaps there will always be those people in our lives who never seem to recognize just how much we could benefit from their love, but Jesus knows exactly what we need and how to love us with perfect love. A love that will meet our needs beyond even our wildest imaginings. We may never find the level of fulfillment our hearts long for in relationship with other people in this life, but Jesus will always be there to carry us through until the day it’s time to go home. And when we get home, we will find it a place of perfect love and relationship with God and others forever.
I thank God that I’ve been adopted. And I pledge myself to loving God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength; and loving my neighbor in the way that I myself long to be loved, feeble as my human efforts are. I am a son and you are my brothers and sisters and, together, we are a family on our way home.
