Unredeemed

Lyrics from the song, Unredeemed

 

The cruelest word

The coldest heart

The deepest wound

The endless dark

For more years than I care to number, I lived in a very dark world. Weeks, months, even years where the darkness of depression inside of me was so great it actually seemed that everything around me was viewed only through a haze of darkness. Many years ago now, I even got to the place where I found myself thinking about suicide nearly around the clock. There was hardly a waking moment where I wasn’t thinking about how hopeless things were and how ending my life was the only way out.

Thankfully, God chose just the right moment to send a friend into my life who gave me a chance to consider the idea that other options might be available after all. For the first time in my life I was able to open up to another person about who I really was. About growing up a lonely little boy who was afraid of nearly everything. About coming of age and realizing I wasn’t attracted to girls like every boy is supposed to be at that age. And about all the years I lived in fear of what would happen if anyone ever found out about my misplaced attraction.

The lonely ache

The burning tears

The bitter nights

The wasted years

Realizing that I was attracted to other boys instead of girls, was one of the most difficult times of my life. I knew I wasn’t supposed to feel the way I was feeling, but I also knew that I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to feel that way. As I looked back, I could find the beginnings of my same-sex attractions going back to my earliest memories of childhood; I just didn’t know what to call it then, nor did I realize the full implications of it until my early teen years.

During the period of years after coming to terms with the fact that I had same-sex attractions I went through some of the loneliest times I’ve ever experienced. A loneliness so deep that it really felt like it was crushing me from the inside out. Night after bitter night I would cry until there were no tears left to cry and wonder why God hated me so much that He decided to make me “gay.” I tried and tried to come up with a reason for why God had written me off and given me, what I considered at the time, the worst possible situation to have to deal with in life.

As I moved into my twenties and later my thirties, the bitter nights of sorrow began to include a bitter anger; anger toward God and anger toward others. I figured God deserved my anger because He could have prevented every hurt. Anger toward others because of my belief that they would hate me if they knew I was gay. During those years of my life, I couldn’t see the folly of being angry with others for their hatred toward me when I hadn’t even given them a chance to know who I was and make a decision to love or hate me for it. I just believed everyone would hate me if they knew, so my reality at the time was that I was hated by God and by everyone else.

I wasted a lot of years believing these lies about God, about myself (that I was unlovable and only deserved damnation), and about other people. I lost myself in self-pity and sinful behavior and refused to allow God to speak any truth into my life. Oh, there were times when I tried to make a move toward God, even times where I know He helped me with certain issues in my life. But I never really settled things with God or chose to accept His truth about His love for me for the long haul. In a short time I’d be right back to believing all the same lies I’d always believed about how much God must hate me and how much everyone would hate me if they only knew the real me.

For every choice that led to shame

There have been a lot of choices I've made over the years that led to deep shame and feelings of worthlessness. Choices I would give anything today to be able to go back and make over again so I could do things differently the second time around.

And all the love that never came

This is perhaps the hardest line of all for me. One of the most difficult issues for me to deal with is the idea of lost love. The loss of the love a boy has for another boy as his peer, his buddy, his friend. In his book, My Losing Season, Pat Conroy says "there is little on earth so fierce and inarticulate and life-changing as the love of boys for other boys." I've read that quote a million times and wished I had even the slightest idea of what it means. I have no clue what it’s like to relate to boys through every stage of my life growing up. Boys scared me. I was meek, mild, shy, and too timid to speak up about anything most of the time. Other boys were rough, outspoken, and (so it seemed to me) not afraid of anything. Here I was, afraid of almost everything and the only thing I knew from watching other boys was that boys aren’t supposed to be afraid. It wasn’t difficult for me to see how different I was from other boys. So I sat on the sidelines and watched from a distance. I watched the other boys play ball, wrestle around, and do all the things boys do, but I never felt a part of any of it. Even on the few occasions when I tried to enter into the activities of other boys in some way, I always left the experience feeling even more certain that I was nothing like other boys and never would be. So I feel like I’ve lost a great deal by having lost the kind of love that boys have for other boys as they grow together into manhood. That’s a love that is irreplaceable for me at this point. I’m nearing 40. I can’t go back and relive boyhood and experience all those things I missed out on the first time around. So I sorrow over the loss of that particular kind of love.

There’s also the love a man has for his wife. Another love that most likely will never be one I experience. Some days I’m okay with that. But I would be dishonest if I didn’t say there weren’t days where I feel the deep sorrow of something else missing and lacking from my life that others have opportunity to enjoy.

For every vow that someone broke

And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall

One of my most difficult lessons (one I’m very much still in the process of learning) is learning to keep my eyes focused on Jesus, off other people, and keep my ears deafened to the whispered lies of the devil. The lie says to give up hope; that I can’t make it; that my cross is too difficult; that I’ve been give too much to handle. And what makes those lies seem so believable at times is that there is an element of truth to them. I do need to give up. Not give up on hope, but give up trying to fix everything myself and learn to rest in God and allow Him to do the work that needs doing. I can’t make it. At least not on my own. I need God every second of every day to survive. My cross is too difficult to bear; on my own. I’ve got to learn to allow God and other believers to help me even though I often feel I don’t deserve help or am too afraid to ask for it. I have been given too much to handle…on my own. When I try to handle it all, I just become increasingly frustrated, angry, and depressed. I have to learn to stop trying to walk this road alone and allow God to come alongside and show me the way as well as allowing other Christian brothers and sisters into my life so that they can walk the way with me too. All of these things are issues where I need to grow and change. Changes that are made difficult because of the shadow of the fall, the humanity of those who would help even if very imperfectly sometimes, and my own slowness at learning the most important lessons of life.

But the cross says these are all

Places where grace is

Soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

 

But the cross! The cross says that grace can enter into each and every one of these areas and make a difference. That amazing things can result in the most broken and shattered of circumstances because of the cross. Yes, there may be things that are always unfulfilled and many things that will never be restored in this life but, because of the cross, we can have assurance of fulfillment and restoration in eternity someday. It’s not always easy to wait; to keep my focus on “someday.” But I do believe that God has promised to restore those things that have been lost in this broken and fallen world. I don’t know how it will happen, but someday I expect to have restored to me the lost loves and experiences that seem lost to me forever right now. The things is, right now is NOT forever and it’s time I stopped believing that it is!

Starting Over

So, it's been a little over three years since I last wrote a post for this blog. I'd apologize but there's no rule that says I have to post more than once every three years. :-)

On a more serious note, I guess my lack of blogging is a reflection of the fact that I've struggled through three very discouraging and difficult years. Much of that is due to my own lack of diligence in holding on to God's truth and walking in faith as I should have. I get discouraged far too easily and find my faith slipping away faster than I can grab on to hope.

I'm not going to make promises, because too often I don't keep them. But I will say that I'm returning to a place where I want to seek God's truth for my life again. I've got a lifetime of lies I've believed about myself (and all too often about God and His love for me) that make such a quest for truth seem overwhelming and often nearly impossible. But I do know that, no matter how long my periods of struggle seem to last at times, I always find myself returning to the reality that if I give up on my pursuit of God, I'm left with nothing.

So, without making specific promises, I'm hoping to start blogging again. For whatever reason, writing out my thoughts and making them available to others for feedback seems to help me sort through the many confusing issues I seem to grapple with all too often. I'll warn you in advance that I'm prone to just say things as I see them and not try to sugarcoat things to make myself look better or make it easier for others to digest. So, if honesty, even at its ugliest and messiest, isn't something you want to see, I'd recommend reading something other than this blog. But if you're not afraid to walk the road with me, even if it's not always pretty, then I welcome you to do so.

Until next time… (and let's hope it isn't another three years). :-)

Becoming a Man of Integrity: Loving God More Than Anything or Anyone Else

Personal Lesson #2 from the movie Fireproof

Well, I promised a continuation of this series, so here goes. I apologize in advance if I'm too open or too honest in this post, I really don't know how to write unless I write what's in my heart. I won't be graphic about anything, just honest. Some of you may learn things about me that you didn't know before...other's already know a lot about the things I struggle with. Regardless, I hope you will choose to look beyond the things I struggle with and continue to see the person who continues to want to be your friend but who must first be the kind of man God is calling him to be regardless of the consequences. With that said, let me share with you the second lesson I learned from watching the movie Fireproof.

One of the things the movie deals with is the issue of addiction to pornography. It's done in a very tasteful and non-graphic way, but also a very powerful way at the same time. This is a topic that Christians all too often try to pretend doesn't exist; or at least that it is never a struggle for a Christian...or at least, not someone in their church, etc. It's one of those things that's difficult to talk about or deal with so we simply ignore it and hope that it will go away. The problem with that is, we have created a church environment where people who do struggle with these kinds of issues simply can't get any help because they assume since no one talks about it no one struggles with it except them and therefore it's something that no help is available for. Honestly, I don't know what the answer is for dealing with this more effectively in the church...but I do know what happens when you feel like the church can't help you.

The devil probably has no greater weapon with which to fight people than discouragement, and there's nothing that makes a person feel more discouraged than to believe that they are the only person around struggling with a particular issue and that the church either can't help them or isn't interested in helping them. One of the reasons I choose several years ago to start speaking out publicly about some of my own struggles is because I finally realized that I wasn't the only person out there who struggled and that other people need just what I needed when I thought I was struggling alone: someone to tell them they aren't alone. It's amazing what just that can do for a person. When discouragement is added to a feeling of isolation and aloneness, it's easy to give up and just let despair overwhelm you. I figured if my being open and talking about struggles in my life that I'd just as soon most people never knew about would help someone else find a way to conquer their own struggles and find victory, then it would be worth any personal shame or pain I had to endure in the process. I've second-guessed that decision a million times, just as I'll second-guess this post a million times as soon as I've posted it. Right or wrong, I only share these struggles with the hope that someone else out there facing similar battles in their own life will feel a little less alone and will realize if there's hope for me then there is hope for them also. If it weren't for that single goal, I'd be just as happy to never openly talk about my struggles again.

Anyone who knew me as a child or through my teen years, or even into my twenties, knows that I was painfully shy; often to the point where it was difficult for me to function in any kind of a normal way around people. If you talked to the people I graduated High School with, they could all tell you that I rarely said anything except in response to a question or comment by someone else directed to me. I just never initiated much of anything in the way of conversation or interaction with anyone. The reason was, I felt so insignificant and worthless that I just assumed no one wanted to hear from me and that most people would be relieved if I would just disappear. I spent a good deal of my childhood and youth wishing I could do just that: disappear. I felt like if ever there was a person born who didn't deserve to be on the planet or who God couldn't possibly love, it had to be me. I could always find a way for God to love everyone else, but I never could find a way that God could possibly love me. There are many factors that played into it, but the bottom line is, the devil told me a lie about myself and I choose to believe that lie. So I was, quite honestly, in my late twenties before I ever started to truly realize that God might really love me after all.

Oh, I heard all my life that God loved me and I even tried to believe it; but I never really did. It's not that I didn't want to be a Christian or even try to be a Christian many times; I just couldn't quite get beyond feeling like God didn't love me. More often than not, I believed that God, in fact, hated me and that so much of the struggle in my life that I couldn't seem to find a reason for must be God's punishment directed at me because He did hate me so much. Now, I realize that this is going to sound over the top to many of you...particularly those who know I was raised in church and in a good Christian home...but in a very real sense, perception is reality for a person, and my perception for a good part of my life was that God hated me and that was that.

You see, along with hearing that God loved everyone, I also "heard" that God hated people who were "gay." You will notice I put the word heard in quotes; that is because I don't know that I ever really heard someone say those words verbally, I just grew up believing that is how everyone felt and that it was true. The problem was, no matter how hard I tried to deny it or get away from it, I kept struggling with same-sex attractions. It wasn't something I consciously cultivated or wanted in my life, it was just there. I couldn't remember a time it wasn't there and I assumed there would never be a time it went away. And with that struggle, I assumed God hated me and had abandoned me. Another thing I "heard" whether it was said or not, was that being "gay" meant that you had so displeased God that He had given up on you and there was no hope for you. After awhile, I did the only thing that seemed reasonable to me at the time: I hated God back. From my perspective, I didn't choose to have these feelings and yet I had them and if that meant God hated me, why would I not hate Him in return? What kind of God would give me feelings like this and then hate me for it without my having ever chosen to feel this way? I now know that God didn't hate me at all...that it was just the devil telling me all these things; the devil who brought all these false ideas into my head causing me to think I was "gay" and that I was therefore hopeless and hated by God, etc. But it took me many years to reach that understanding about God and, in the meantime, I developed many wrong ideas about God and the church and many bad habits and actions and attitudes that I'm still struggling to overcome in many ways.

I guess that's why the song I mentioned in my last post meant so much to me. I often feel frustrated with the slowness of the recovery process and begin to feel anxious and upset that things aren't turning out the way I had hoped. Sometimes it seems that all I do is wait and wait and wait some more and see so little in the way of results. But I know that the answer isn't found in giving up. If I have to wait the rest of my life here on earth and never see any big changes in how I feel or where the circumstances of my life find me, then I will learn to wait...and I will learn to worship and serve and praise God while I wait; whether I feel like it or not!

Sorry for such a long bit of background, but I feel like it's important to who I am and the goals I'm trying to set for my future. Forgive me if any of it was unnecessary or laborious.

Needless to say, all of those wrong beliefs I had for so many years led me to incorporate a lot of other wrong things into my life. I do not make excuses for any of these things because I am well aware that I actively chose to do many things that caused all of my struggles to be much worse and, therefore, much more difficult to break free from than they should have been. It is these things that I must defeat in my life in order to become a man of integrity and, with God's help, I mean to destroy every one of them no matter how long it takes or how drastic the measure God's asks me to take in order to accomplish their defeat.

In Fireproof there is a scene where Caleb is struggling with whether to give in once again to his pornography addiction and he asks a question something along the lines of "why does this all have to be so hard?" Then, in a somewhat humorous scene, we find Caleb busting his computer and monitor to bits with a baseball bat. What that said to me was, you need to take whatever action, no matter how drastic it may seem to yourself or to others, in order to cut out of your life any and everything that could cause you to fall back into sin. This doesn't usually mean you have to destroy your computer, etc...but if it does mean that and God does ask that of me, I want to make sure I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Even though it seems like I couldn't live without a computer at this point in my life, I'm guessing I probably could if I absolutely had to.

What it does mean for me at this point is making sure I have strong accountability in any and all areas of weakness. That I don't try to pretend I'm strong enough to make it on my own all the time and that I do whatever I have to do to ensure my spiritual success. It means I currently use a program called Covenant Eyes on my computer and that I have three accountability partners (with plans to add one or two more at least) who can view all of my online activity at any time they choose. It also means that I'm in the process of evaluating everything I read, listen to or watch...and I'm asking God to show me what needs to change. At this point, I don't even know what all God may ask of me in these areas and, frankly, it scares me somewhat because I wonder how drastic God may ask me to be in certain areas of my life. But I've decided that I have to do whatever God asks. Maybe it will seem drastic to me in some cases now, but I have a feeling it won't seem that drastic at all when I make it to eternity and look back and see things from a different point of view.

In Fireproof, after Caleb destroys his computer, there is a scene in which you see a vase full of roses sitting on the table where the computer used to sit and a note to his wife that reads: "I love you more." For me, that is the point of those long, rambling post. Maybe it doesn't even make much sense...I don't know. I do know that however feeble, it has been my attempt to leave a note for God that says "I love you more." I want to say here and now that I will be a man of integrity in every aspect of my life...whatever it takes. And I will love God more than anything or anyone else, no matter what. My thanks to all of you out there who pray for me. I ask only that you will continue to pray and never let me forget my note to God.

Next in this series: Being a Man of Godly Influence

Until next time...

-Steven